this is the point at which i join the ranks of Seniors Worried About the Future. well...not quite. this is the point at which i vent my worries about the future in a public setting, in the vain hopes of dissipating them somewhat. it is a foolish and quite possibly futile exercise: not only does it involve my admission that i, despite coming from an "elite" college and being, in the scheme of things, very privileged, am Worried; it also, because of this medium, involves noting not only that everyone else has already said it, but that virtually all of them have said it better.

i am particularly taken with rabi's way of putting it: "...I have a million ideas about what I want to do next year, but they all live in the same universe as pies that grow wings and oysters that wear baby bonnets."

having been de-planned at rather short notice last night, i foiled all my best attempts at sleep and ended up staying awake until ungodly hours ruminating (not literally chewing the cud (!); thinking). i read the webjournals which are my major time-killing mechanism of late; then i turned off the computer and read chunks of 'after virtue' and 'the corrections' and a little bit of 'emma' which gabe had just returned. but mainly, in between and around and through all of the reading, i contemplated all of the confusing shit that i'm supposed to figure out in the next six months or so. it was, needless to say, less than productive (although i did manage to put five or six coats of blue sparkly nail polish on my left thumb).

in general i'd say my major problem right now is my need for big-picture order and understanding. it's difficult enough figuring out what i should do about x or y option, or the meaning of x or y particular event in my life--and i foolishly persist in attempting to put all the x's and y's together into an understandable whole. it's like standing six inches from a wall-size seurat (not that any of seurat's works were wall-sized, unless it's a very small wall. but whatever.).

and then i awoke this morning, and read my email, and decided thereafter that today is a good day for walking in the woods and refusing to be Worried about this stuff.